Don’t Play Down Your Pain

If your pet has just passed away you’ll be feeling immense grief, so don’t play down your pain. A lot of people are hesitant to share with their friends and family members exactly how much they are hurting as their pet ages, gets sick, and dies. You need to express these feelings to those that share the love of your animal, or even those that are just good listeners. This is a difficult time, just like it would be if you had lost a person who was close to you.

Perhaps what makes dealing with the death of a furry friend more difficult is that our time with animals is relatively short. The average dog lives just 10 to 12 years, a mere acquaintance in a human life. Many have said that the reason that we live so long is because it takes us at least one lifetime to learn how to love unconditionally. Animals don’t have to live that long because they are born knowing trust and love and are here to teach us.

If you have had to make the difficult choice to put your pet to sleep, this can create a whole new level of grief. Here is your best friend and they need your help and the only thing that you can do for them is make them comfortable while they pass on. This is difficult, but you should know that as a pet owner you have made the selfless decision to put your pet out of their misery before it got really bad. Don’t allow yourself to feel guilty for doing this, as it is often the best and only choice for a humane pet owner.

When dealing with the loss of an animal you will likely go through the same grief process as you do when you grieve for a human being. You may feel shocked, sadness, anger, and then slowly you’ll come to accept it. Someday in the future when you have gotten over the worst of the pain you will consider getting a new pet. There is nothing like the love that our animals give us, and for pet owners it is often the desire for that unconditional love which has them going back for more, even after losing one of their beloved furry friends.

Copyright 2008 - Griefmanagement.org

A Different Kind of Grief

Dealing with the loss of a loved one whose death was a result of suicide is very challenging. In addition to the immense feelings of loss and sadness you may also be experiencing shock, blame, anger, and trouble understanding what went wrong. A suicide is usually an unexpected death, so it is hard dealing with all of these feelings at the same time. Many people have described the grief process of someone who died of suicide as a terrible roller coaster that just won’t end.

There are many feelings that come with the death of someone that you love in this manner. Some of the feelings that are experienced are guilt, blame, anger, shame, confusion, relief, despair, betrayal, and of course abandonment. This mix of emotions is understandably overwhelming and as a result the grieving individual may feel that they are very disconnected from the person who has passed away as well as those that are still living.

Many people who are grieving after a suicide become obsessed with the need to understand the person’s reasons for their action. This can be an overwhelming need, and one that can never be fulfilled. Because of this, there may be a huge sense of responsibility for the death. Other people get angry and feel as though the deceased went about the suicide as a hateful act; to get back at them for something.

The Stigma Attached with Suicide

The stigma attached with suicide truly does affect the mourning process, more so than a lot of people realize. There are many cultural taboos and religious beliefs attached to suicide that can lead one to be unfairly judged by friends when they really need them the most. Many people avoid the subject of suicide altogether, not ever allowing themselves the time to deal with the grief that they are feeling. The stigma attached to suicide really does leave a lot of people feeling very isolated and stressed out which can make the grief process all the more difficult, and may leave some at risk for suicide or suicidal ideation themselves.

You’re Not Alone

When you are coping with the loss of someone that you love and you are dealing with the mix of emotions and the compounded grief experienced by those touched by suicide, you should know that you are not alone. Annually there are 10 to 20 million people who attempt to commit suicide, and they are people of all ages, races, and social status. In fact, one in four people know someone who has passed away through this means. Men over the age of 70 are more likely to commit suicide though it is seen in people of all ages from the very young to the very old.

Coping with Your Loss

Are you struggling with the loss of someone who died through the act of suicide? It can be very difficult but you need to remember that you are not alone. Coping with the loss is something that everyone does differently, but there are some things that you can do to help yourself move through the grief process. First and foremost, you need to acknowledge the suicide even though it may be against your religious or cultural belief. Next, you should recognize your feelings and the loss that you have experienced. Be sure to talk openly with your friends and family members about your grief, reaching out to your friends.

Many people find that support groups specifically for those that have been affected by suicide are very helpful. There are groups of this type for every age group, so you’ll be sure to find one where you fit right in. Also give yourself permission to struggle with birthdays and anniversaries that are tied to the deceased, as these can be the most difficult times during the year. Try creating or perpetuating a familiar routine that will honor the person that you loved, and their life.

Dealing with the loss of a loved one through suicide is difficult and if you are struggling and just need to talk to someone there is always someone you can reach out to. Even if you don’t feel like you can talk to your friends and you don’t want to burden your family members, there are still other resources. Visit Befrienders Worldwide and you’ll find that there are plenty of people that can help you through this very difficult time. And don’t forget the GriefManagement.org Forums where a community of folks just like you is willing to share their experiences and offer the support you need.

Copyright 2008 GriefManagement.org

Dealing with the Loss of a Parent

Many of us know that our parent’s life is coming to an end and we think we are prepared, and yet, when it happens we have the wind knocked out of us. All of a sudden we know that our parent is gone and we feel an emptiness that we have never experienced before in our lives. If you have lost a parent and this is the way that you feel, know that the loneliness or the emptiness that you feel is completely normal. Many people feel that these feelings are irrational, but they are not, and you should allow yourself to go through the motions. Feeling alone is normal because someone who has always been there is suddenly gone.

While you may feel alone, it’s important to realize that you are not alone. There are friends and family members that cannot replace your parent, but are willing to provide you with the support system that you need to get through this time and through the rest of your life without your parent being there. Turn to your friends and family, share with them how you are feeling, and allow yourself to be open to their love and concern. Sometimes, just knowing that you have people in your life that care, will help you get through those really difficult days.

When you have lost a parent it is a good idea to try to reunite with any siblings that you have, if you are not already close to them. Though no two people experience the loss of their parents in the same way, having your siblings by your side may prove to be a comforting experience for all of you. You can grieve together, so that you are certain that you have a support system, and people who understand you. It’s important to remember that you have a family still and that they are there to help you get through these tough times.

It’s helpful to remember that when you are grieving for your parent who has passed away that no two people grieve the same way. You may be experiencing things that no one else around you, including your siblings, is experiencing and that is okay. Allow for yourself to go through the motions, because when you do this you will be better able to move forward in your life.

Copyright 2008 GriefManagement.org

Tips to Help with Grief

It’s important to remember through the bereavement that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. So many of us believe that we need to react a certain way, but everyone has their own way of grieving. Be sure that you allow yourself to mourn in a way that feels right and natural to you. It doesn’t matter how many times you have lost loved ones, it still hurts, so you should allow yourself to go through the grief process.

Many seniors are afraid to ask for help when it comes to their grief. Allow those around you to help you and don’t be afraid to let them know what you need. Perhaps you just need someone to lean on or talk to or maybe you need some help finding depression or grief counseling. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from those around you.

Don’t grieve alone. There are many places where you can turn to get some support and understanding. Many people get involved in depression or grief counseling, others find that grief support groups help, and others turn to the church or just read all of the literature that they can find on grief. The emotions that you are experiencing have been experienced by many and you don’t have to go through this alone.

Try to anticipate tough times. Many seniors are caught off guard by holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries and it makes the grief very hard to overcome. Think about these things in advance and try to surround yourself by supportive people during these times. Sometimes just having people around will make the days easier to get through.

As you get older you may find that some deaths are easier to get through than others. But, you should be prepared for the fact that new losses may resurrect the grief associated with old losses. Many seniors find that some deaths bring back the feelings that they experienced when their spouse or parents died. Allow yourself to explore these emotions.

Grief management can be difficult, but when you allow yourself to go through the motions of grief you will find that it is much easier. Remember that you don’t have to go through the process alone. Surround yourself with your own support systems and don’t hesitate to learn more and interact with the forums at GriefManagement.org. Sometimes just the knowledge that you are not alone is enough to keep you going or will inspire you to reach out and get through the grief with others. Grief is nothing to be ashamed of, it’s a normal human emotion process, and when you embrace it you’ll find that you can move through it more constructively.

Copyright 2008 - GriefManagement.org

Grieving is not just brought about by the loss of a loved one, but can result in losses varying in nature – ranging from losing someone you cared about to the loss of the family pet; Grief can even begin with loss of employment, property, and fundamentals such as physiological needs and the need for safety. Grief is further governed by both internal influences, such as your own personality, and external influences, such as the society/culture you live in and the societal norms regarding the grieving process. Despite the terrible loss you may have incurred, and all the sympathies to you, it is fundamental to understand that without coping, without managing the grief originating from your loss, additional detrimental consequences may result for yourself, and in turn, those you love that are still with you today.

The outcome of mismanaged grief and severe grief reactions can evolve into personal difficulties with relationships and result in questioning one’s own ideologies; further, by not trying to reorganize your life after a loss you put yourself at risk of stress-related illness. For some individuals, stress caused by grief can even drive them to suicide. Overall, it is key to simply “cope” – if it was a loved one who was lost, one can assume that the last thing they would want would be someone they cared about becoming ill on their accord.

The ill effects of poor grief management go beyond the individual. Grief brings the possibility of strain on relationships in and outside of the home. In various contexts, grief can place strain on parent-child relationship, marriages, and your ability to perform outside of the home to the best of your abilities at work, school, clubs etc.

There are numerous theories regarding grief, its precursors, and its progression from a normal phenomenon to a maladaptive condition. The most popular theory of the grieving process is the “grieving cycle,” proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross – you probably have heard of the stages previously; they are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

In order to insure the soundness of your own mental health and psychological well-being of those closest to you, grief management is extremely important. I know from personal experience that it is not easy to handle the passing of someone who had meant so much to you, but a deceased parent, spouse, sibling, or friend would never want you to grieve indefinitely because of their passing.

To find out more information on the topics around and directly related to grief management, try some of these key words in the search engine of your choice: grief, grief management, bereavement, complicated grief, and grief counselling.

Copyright 2008 - GriefManagement.org

Yet grief is not always healing. Many of us have known people who were stuck in their grief, seemingly locked into the past and unable to move forward in their lives.

What is the difference between those who feel their grief and move on and those who get stuck in it? The difference lies in what they believe they have lost. When people believe they have lost their source of love, their grief will feel unending.

Gary had been in a three-year relationship with Samantha when Samantha decided to end the relationship. Gary was devastated. In this relationship, like in his past relationships, Gary was a taker – always trying to get love but unable to give love or share love. Samantha gave him a lot of love, but she often felt very lonely with him. Gary was devastated when she left because his source of love was gone. He was not grieving the loss of Samantha as a person he loved. He was grieving the loss of her love for him. He was grieving as a lost wounded child rather than as a loving adult.

As a result, Gary became stuck in his grief. He was stuck in feeling like a victim – stuck in “poor me.” Gary had never done the inner work to develop an adult part of himself that could bring love to himself and share it with others. He felt lost, abandoned, and hurt. No matter how much he cried, no healing occurred. Because he was abandoning himself, he just continued to feel alone and despairing. Sometimes he was angry at Samantha for abandoning him and other times he was angry at himself for not being a better partner. He had many regrets that plagued him, and a constant inner refrain was, “If only I had……” “If only I had listened to her more, maybe she wouldn’t have left.” If only I had told her how beautiful she is, maybe she wouldn’t have left.”

Frank, on the other hand, was in deep grief over the death of his beloved wife, Beth. He had loved Beth with his whole heart and he missed her terribly. Yet Frank’s grief was totally different than Gary’s grief. Frank missed Beth’s laugh. He missed her joy, her caring for people, her sense of wonder. He missed her as a person, and he missed being able to share his love with her. Frank had no regrets because he had not been a taker. He had loved Beth totally and was deeply grateful for the time he had with her. But Frank was actually fine. His grief came in waves, and he cried when it came. Then it washed through and he was fine again.

Frank was fine because Beth had not been the source of his sense of self. Frank had a strong loving inner adult who was connected with a spiritual source of love and wisdom. This was his Source, not Beth. Frank was a person who took full responsibility for his own pain and joy. He had never made Beth responsible for his feelings or his wellbeing.

Because he had never abandoned himself, he could miss Beth and grieve for her without feeling abandoned, lost, victimized and alone.

Gary, on the other hand, was not fine, no matter how much sadness he released, because Samantha had been his Source of love, his Higher Power. He had handed to her the job of defining his sense of self, so when she left, all he could feel was abandoned. Gary had handed his Inner Child – his feeling self – to Samantha. He had made Samantha responsible for his feelings, so when she left, he felt like an abandoned child. His Source of love had gone away.

Because Frank knew how to love himself, he knew how to love others. Within a couple of years, Frank was in another loving relationship.

Gary found another relationship within six months of losing Samantha, and six months after that was again alone. Until Gary decides to learn to take responsibility for his own feelings and needs, he will likely continue to lose relationship after relationship, and continue to be stuck in feeling like a victim of the women in his life.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books.

Each individual reacts in a different way to the loss of a child. While some people seem to cope well with the grief, others isolate themselves and become depressed and even consider suicide. Isolation is not a good thing unless the person is self-determined and tough or spiritually detached in mind. Isolated people do not let their feelings show and suppressed feelings lead to depression and other kinds of physical and mental ailments as well. Research shows that it is not a good thing to pretend that nothing happened when a loss as huge as the loss of a child happens. Without adequate help from others, the parents are likely to feel unease, restlessness and anxiety. If they have more children, they might fear for their lives. If the child they have lost is their only child, they might fear thinking about their own future. It is important they need someone to listen and ask questions and not just offer them words of comfort.

When the loss of a child happens, the parents need people to help them confront the fears of the new and unknown future. It’s very important that they are able to share their grief with close friends, family members or counselors. It is said that in times of crisis such as this, parents need a kind of emotional first aid - love and a shoulder to cry on. Parents do need privacy and time to mourn the loss of their child. They also need people for support. There should be a balance between grieving alone and sharing grief. Some people find it helpful to spend fifteen to twenty minutes alone every day. This time acts as a safety valve. In it they deal with any emotions they have stored up during the day. There are different ways of grieving in private: thinking, crying, praying, meditating, writing or drawing, talking to the dog! Keeping a journal or grief diary also helps. Parents can write down their feelings and the memories of the loved one. They can then see how their grief changes over a period of weeks and months. This is proof of progress. If the diary is kept in a safe place the written memories become precious in the future. Alternatively some people feel more comfortable with drawing pictures or seeing photographs of their child. Sharing the grief with loved ones help people to talk through their grief. They can relive their happy moments with their child by talking to people or counselors, or by joining a bereavement support group.

Turning inwards for spiritual strength also helps in understanding and coping with grief. Spirituality helps a person be grateful for the things that he has rather than grieving for what he has lost. It also enables a person to accept that his child is now in the hands of God and happy in Heaven.

Thus we find that different people have different strategies for coping with grief. When then loss is as great as the loss of one’s precious child, parents need a balanced approach to dealing with grief. They need to have moments of isolation to work through their feelings, moments of prayer to help them acquire new understanding and strength, and moments of sharing to have the support of family and friends. This mix is different for different people and when they find the right balance, they can find a way to cope with the loss of a child.

Gene Torrey - runs a non profit grief and bereavement website (www.linda-angel.com) who’s sole aim is to provide free information to those in need.

The Christian Perspective

The Christian grief process is generally guided by scripture from the bible because there are statements such as, “There is a time to be born, and a time to die.” This gives believers the knowledge that we all have our time. For Christians, death is a part of life and many Christians believe that it is their duty to take care of the dying as they wait for Jesus to return. Christians have a wide variety of beliefs after death, but most believe that death is just another part of the journey as we all experience eternal life so long as one believes in Jesus Christ.

The Islamic Perspective

In the Islamic faith grief is something that involves the person dying as well as those around him or her. When someone is dying in this faith it is the job of the friends and family to gather around the ill person and help them remember their commitment to God. Muslims believe that death is the will of Allah. After death the body is washed and wrapped in a shroud. There are specific prayers that are to be said and the body is to be laid on the right side facing the direction of Makkah. In the Islamic faith the family members are to pay off any debts of the deceased soon after death as they anticipate the person being judged after death and want the process to be as favorable as possible. Bereavement in this faith is often accompanied by constant prayer, charity, fasting, and pilgrimage.

The Hindu Perspective

Many people have commented over the ages that grief management seems a lot easier for the people of this faith. While this may or may not be true, it could be owed to the fact that those that practice this religion believe in the rebirth as well as the reincarnation of souls. Practitioners believe that death is simply part of the experience, and that after a time the soul will adjust and return to physical form again. There are two paths for the soul to take after death; the path of the sun and the path of the moon. Those that take the path of the sun will never return again but those that take the path of the moon will return. Many different rituals have been practiced for thousands of years and may help with the grief process.

The Buddhist Perspective

The Buddhist perspective of death is quite interesting and is said to make grief not so troublesome for those that have suffered a loss. The practitioners of this faith do not look at death as a sad event, rather the breaking apart from the material world and material that we are composed of. A Buddhist believes that the soul awakens at death. Before the death friends and family like to be with the person to help them achieve the right state of mind as they go into death. One needs to think of death as their rebirth into another, and perhaps greater, realm than the human world can offer.

The Jewish Perspective

Not unlike Christians, those that are Jewish tend to view death as a natural experience. Many Jewish people believe that death gives life more meaning and that because we know we all must die sometime, we should spend each day living the more pure and ethical life possible. Unlike a lot of faiths, Judaism is a bit different in that they don’t believe that all believers will simply go to Heaven or Hell based on their belief or lack thereof. Instead, each individual will be judged on their ethical behavior during life. For this reason, Jewish people view death as natural but their final judgment by God.

Religious Perspective and Grief Management

As you can see, each religion has their own take on death and this perspective is often what gives people the ability to get through the loss of their loved ones and still have a zest for life. While religion may help to comfort those that are left behind after death, it does not mean that the loss of a loved one will be easy. Grief, no matter what faith you believe in, is a very real and necessary part of the death experience for those who are still living. Strive to comfort yourself with faith based knowledge, but also allow yourself to get depression and grief counseling if you feel you need it, or simply surround yourself with supportive people. You can learn more about the grief process and how others deal with death by visiting GriefManagement.org.

Copyright 2008 - GriefManagement.org

What Is Grief And The Process Of Grieving?

Grief, quickly defined, is our ability to deal with loss. While we most often look at grief as
an emotional response, it also is reflected in our social, cognitive, behavioral, philosophical,
and physical dimensions. Grief is most commonly identified with the death of a loved one close to
us.

Two terms which are often used to mean the same thing, speak to two different aspects of grief. “Bereavement” is the state of loss, and “Grief” is the reaction to loss. While traditionally, when
speaking on the subject of grieving one immediately assumes this to mean death, but loss
can include loss of employment, friends, pets, societal status, marriage, our sense of safety,
order in our lives, possessions, etc. Any form of change in our life that brings with it loss,
results in grief. The way we respond to loss is strongly influenced by our personality, culture,
family beliefs, as well as our spiritual and religious beliefs.

Bereavement is a normal part of life for all of us, although rarely recognized as such. The way
we react to loss can carry over into and harm many of the relationships around us, and numerous
deep seated “mental illnesses” find their root in a person at some past point of deep loss.

The Stages Of Grief.

In 1969, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross published a book “Death and Dying”, MacMillan Publishing Company.
In this book she referred to the five stages of dealing with catastrophic loss. In her original
text, Kubler-Ross was addressing the emotions a terminally ill person experiences in coping with
knowing how they will die. In time these stages have mutated to become known today as “The Five
Stages of Grief”. These stages are identified as, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and
Acceptance.

While some in the field of clinical counseling believe the grieving process is one stage
followed neatly by the other, truthfully, the process of grieving is more like a spiraling
roller-coaster ride, where by one can revisit the prior stages, several times before finally
letting go and moving on to the next stage in the process. Sometimes we can skip a stage, or go
through three stages simultaneously.

Grieving is a work in progress, and should be done completely, not assigning a time line which
includes a completion date. Often it’s not until one has gone through the five stages of Grieving,
when all your friends have stopped their expressions of sympathy, and people think you
should get on with life, that the real work of grieving begins. Grief work is summarized by the
acronym TEAR.

“T” - To accept the reality of loss.

“E” - Experience the pain of loss.

“A” - Adjust to your new environment without the object you lost.

“R” - Reinvest in your new reality.

TEAR can only begin once a person has reached the “ACCEPTANCE” stage of the 5 Steps Of Grieving.
Giving credence to the argument that in reality there are 9 stages to the grieving process and
not 5 as many mental health professionals believe, or have been taught to believe. If we can accept
the identification of 9 stages of grief, then we must also recognize for those we know and love
who are going through this process, the last 4 of the nine stages are often journeyed through alone,
after the friends walk away, after the courts assign closure to the legal processes, after
those around you begin to believe it’s time you need to get on with your life. It’s at stage 6
where the real work of grieving begins, for one begins and goes through this work very, very,
very much alone.

How Long Does Grieving Take?

While cultures over the history of man have assigned periods of time to this process, we
truly never stop grieving the object of our loss in life. When we reflect on that loss, we will
respond and react emotionally to varying degrees, and for varying periods of time. While some have
said. “Time heals all wounds”, in the case of grieving this is not so, we, over time, grieve to
a lesser level of intensity, and perhaps shorter periods of time, learning to move on with life in
the face of our loss, but we rarely forget the object of our loss.

The key to grieving is to embrace it and grieve well.

James C. Tanner, http://www.silent-wonder.com is a retired entrepreneur, a former special Investigator, and a published writer.